Love Bombing & Affairs
Most women who become involved in an affair never imagined they would. They are often responsible, empathic, family-oriented women who may once have judged infidelity harshly themselves. Many deeply love their spouses, children, and families. Some are in unhappy marriages. Others are in marriages that look “fine” from the outside. Some feel lonely. Some are exhausted from years of caretaking. Some are grieving lost parts of themselves. Others are single women simply hoping to find a meaningful connection.
Then someone enters their life who seems to truly “see” them again; not casually, but intensely.
“Love bombing” is a pattern of overwhelming someone with intense attention, affection, validation, emotional intimacy, or promises very early in a relationship in ways that create rapid emotional attachment and dependency. At first, it can feel exhilarating and deeply meaningful. The person may text constantly, communicate throughout the day, offer endless compliments, talk about soulmates or fate very quickly, say things like “I’ve never felt this way before,” and make the other person feel uniquely seen and chosen.
For someone who has felt lonely, emotionally deprived, unseen, or insecure, this kind of attention can feel profoundly healing and intoxicating. Sometimes the feelings are genuinely sincere in the moment. Love bombing is not always consciously manipulative. In some cases, the person doing it may be caught up in fantasy, emotional immaturity, unmet emotional needs, or the neurochemical intensity of a new relationship (think “high on love”).
However, love bombing can also become manipulative, especially when someone is already married or in another committed relationship and is making promises that are unrealistic or unlikely to materialize. This dynamic is especially common in affairs, where secrecy, fantasy, longing, and intermittent reinforcement naturally intensify emotional attachment.
The person being idealized can begin to feel so special and chosen that, once they discover their partner is married or still involved with someone else, the emotional attachment has already become all-consuming. At that point, logic and perspective can become much harder to access. When someone is being intensely idealized, it becomes difficult to slow down and ask questions like:
“Is this relationship grounded in reality?”
“Is this person emotionally trustworthy?”
“Are we building true intimacy, or are we living inside a fantasy?”
Often, the person pursuing the affair describes their marriage as deeply unhappy, says they are planning to leave soon, or portrays their spouse or partner negatively. Over time, the emotional dependency can become so strong that these explanations are accepted without much questioning. Importantly, this dynamic usually develops gradually. Months of emotional intensity and validation can make someone feel alive, hopeful, and deeply connected again. And so, the affair continues.
The men who become involved in affairs are often emotionally complex as well. Some are deeply lonely or emotionally disconnected in their primary relationship, while others struggle with unmet emotional needs, low self-worth, avoidance of conflict, fear of aging, difficulty tolerating intimacy, impulsivity, or a strong need for validation and admiration. Some are going through life transitions, burnout, grief, or identity struggles and become vulnerable to the intensity and escape that a new relationship provides. Others may genuinely care for both people involved and feel torn, while some are more emotionally unavailable or drawn to fantasy, novelty, or the excitement of secrecy. In many cases, affairs are less about one person being entirely “good” or “bad” and more about unresolved emotional patterns, poor boundaries, avoidance, unmet needs, and the powerful emotional pull that can develop when two people feel intensely seen and understood by one another without the usual day to day caring for children together, paying bills, in -laws, and other mundane or stressful parts of being in a marriage.
I was recently listening to an Oprah Winfrey podcast in which Oprah interviewed the woman involved in the public scandal surrounding the Coldplay concert. According to her account, she and her husband were separated at the time, and her boss had told her several months earlier that he was also separated from his wife. She described how he showered her with attention and affection — lunches together outside the office, late-night texts, and consistent emotional connection. She genuinely believed they were in a relationship.
She later discovered that he had not been truthful and was still with his wife. What struck me most was the level of public backlash she experienced while he appeared to receive very little. She shared that she and her children were relentlessly harassed, paparazzi surrounded her home, and she even received death threats severe enough that she had to leave her home with her children for safety. Her teenage children reportedly became fearful that someone might kill their mother.
Listening to her story highlighted how quickly people reduce complex relational situations into simple narratives of “good” and “bad.” (and social media ignites a flame that burns long and hard). From her perspective, she believed the man when he told her he was separated. She also shared that, because he was her boss and she worked in HR, they had already discussed restructuring reporting lines so she would no longer report directly to him. According to her account, they had planned to inform the company that they had fallen in love. Then the Coldplay concert happened.
Oprah reflected that much of the public outrage may have been directed toward her because many people have personal experiences with infidelity, causing her to become a symbol of the stereotypical “other woman.” Lost in much of the public reaction was any curiosity about what may have been said, promised, or emotionally cultivated in the relationship itself.
I am sharing this not to encourage affairs or shame people who are in them, but to help women slow down enough to better understand what may be happening emotionally beneath the surface. Questions like:
“Does this decision align with my deepest values?”
“What is this person saying versus what are they actually doing?”
“Who else may be affected by this relationship?”
Many women report that affairs become emotionally painful over time. It can be incredibly difficult when someone repeatedly says they plan to leave their spouse but continues to remain deeply involved in family life. At first, secrecy may feel exciting or intoxicating, but eventually it often becomes lonely and emotionally exhausting. Over time, many women grow tired of hearing explanations about why their partner cannot leave the relationship. Some begin to realize they have become an object for someone else’s emotional needs while their own needs remain secondary or ignored.
In some cases, women are even told they are being “selfish” for wanting clarity, commitment, or an end to the ambiguity. The entire dynamic can become deeply confusing. And because affairs are often secret, many people feel they have no safe place to talk honestly about what they are experiencing.
If you are in an affair, emotionally attached to someone outside your relationship, or feeling confused about what your relationship means, you do not have to untangle it alone. You deserve a space where you can speak honestly without being shamed, pressured, or immediately told what decision to make. You do not have to already know whether you want to stay, leave, or end the affair before reaching out. Sometimes the first step is simply telling the truth about what is happening.
