Haunted by The Past: Understanding Generational Trauma & Attachment
Sometimes the past doesn't stay in the past. Generational trauma, which are patterns of pain, loss, and dysfunction passed down through families, can quietly shape how we relate to ourselves and others. It often shows up in subtle ways, like how emotions were handled in your household, how conflict was approached, or what felt safe to express as a child. These early experiences can ripple into adulthood, affecting your relationships, attachment style, and even your mood and anxiety levels.
For example, I often think about being 12 years old when my grandmother (who most likely developed borderline personality disorder from her own difficult upbringing), told me that when I was four, my grandfather had died by suicide. She even went into the details, which were very scary and hard to understand as a 12-year-old. My mother was furious with my grandmother for telling me., and I remember feeling caught in the middle. I was overwhelmed by my mother’s anger about her father’s suicide, and simultaneously believed I needed to help her forgive him someday so she could be happy. Around the same time my grandmother told me this information about my grandfather, my parents were also going through a divorce. I felt a strong sense of responsibility to support my mother emotionally, especially because she hid a lot of her pain from others, and came from a highly dysfunctional family of origin who offered her little comfort after the divorce.
I felt angry at a grandfather I hardly got to know because he died when I was four. Everyone used to tell me how much he loved to play with me and spend time with me. I was confused and upset too. Why did he want to leave me then? I also remember believing that if I could help my mother understand that her father’s suicide didn't mean he didn't love her, I could somehow fix her pain. She could not fathom why her father would kill himself and leave her with so much devastation, and a mother to care for whom she did not get along well with. When my grandfather died by suicide in the 70’s, they told most friends and family it was a “heart attack” because of the shame a suicide brought to a Catholic Italian family in that era. My mother remembers people saying “he would still be here with you if he could”. There was no way to mourn the suicide if people trying to help their family thought he died “naturally” and nothing could have been done.
I was told by my grandmother that he was not in “heaven.” He was in “purgatory” and that we had to pray for him to get out of purgatory. I also could tell how hurt and heartbroken she was so I was surprised to hear she wanted him in heaven. When my grandmother died in 2009, she asked not be buried next to him like originally planned. She wanted to be buried next to her father whom she loved dearly. We honored her wishes and she was buried right next to her dad…the one person who made her feel safe growing up.
Experiences like this, especially at a young age, can shape how we learn to show up in relationships. We may become highly attuned to others emotions, feeling responsible for their well-being, or feel an underlying pressure to "get it right" so things don't fall apart. We may also struggle to identify and express our own needs. We may think that “secrets” are ok to preserve the family’s reputation.
One of the clearest ways generational trauma shows up is through attachment styles. If love and connection felt inconsistent, you may notice yourself becoming anxious in relationships. You may need reassurance, fear abandonment, or overthink small changes in someone's behavior. If emotions were dismissed or overwhelming in your family, you may lean towards shutting down, avoiding conflict, or pulling away when things feel too intense.
These patterns are not flaws, in fact, they are normal human adaptations. They made sense in the environment you grew up in and they probably allowed you to function and feel somewhat safe. But overtime, they can create challenges in adult relationships, especially when it comes to conflict, trust, and repair.
In your own life you may notice this showing up as:
Repeating the same arguments in different relationships.
Feeling overwhelmed or reactive during conflict.
Shutting down or avoiding difficult conversations.
Struggling to trust repair after a rupture.
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions.
Experiencing ongoing anxiety, overthinking, or self doubt.
Unresolved generational patterns don't just impact relationships, they often show up internally as well. Many people experience, chronic anxiety, emotional overwhelm, or periods of low mood, without realizing how connected these feelings are to early relational experiences.
The good news is that these patterns can be understood, challenged and changed with hard work! Even just being able to recognize and accept that some of your behaviors and feelings could be linked to generational trauma is a great first step. Having the awareness allows you to act differently if you choose. Sometimes just accepting that the generational trauma is not yours to hold and own, can be very empowering.
As a parent myself, I find that these experiences continue to shape how I think about what gets passed down to my children. Children don't need access to every truth, especially the ones they are not equipped to understand or do anything about. Sharing information that is developmentally inappropriate or emotionally burdensome can create anxiety, confusion, or a sense of responsibility that doesn't belong to them. A helpful guide is to ask: "Is this something my child can meaningfully process, and is there anything they can do with it?” If the answer is no, it's often more protective to hold that information and instead offer reassurance, stability, and age-appropriate honesty. As adults, we should not treat our children as friends whom we confide in about adult things, Although it may help the adult to talk to someone about their feelings, it should be a trusted adult friend, adult family member or therapist.
I still think about my grandfather and sometimes imagine what it would have been like if he had lived longer. I feel sad for all the devastation he brought his family. But I also know that suicide is not easy to understand and that people are not usually in their “right mind” when it happens. Impulsivity, depression and alcohol can also play major roles. For me, I feel ok most days and try to remember that this isn’t “my” story. Whether or not my mother forgives him is not my responsibility. Just reminding myself of those things helps a lot. Also focusing on the fun stories that people have told me about my grandfather reminds me that it’s unfair to be remembered by one mistake or action. People are complex creatures and we can never really get into the mind of another. I prefer to focus on my own peace because that’s what I think he would have wanted for me.
I enjoy the podcast called "Family Secrets.” The tag line is “the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves.” It explores a lot of different types of generational trauma, and how it affects the people who were part of it… often only children at the time. It’s so interesting how as children we can think these unhealthy and dysfunctional family patterns are “normal” until we get older and learn differently. I decided to break the cycle. Do you want to learn how to break the cycle too?
I offer in person therapy in Maryland as well as virtual therapy for clients across Maryland and Virginia. I look forward to talking to you in the future!
