Romeo and Juliet in the age of reality TV: helping young people recognize toxic relationships
For generations, Romeo and Juliet has been viewed as one of the greatest love stories ever told. Two young people fall intensely in love, become emotionally, consumed by each other, reject outside guidance, and make impulsive decisions in the name of passion. The relationship is dramatic, obsessive, emotionally overwhelming, and ultimately tragic. Yet it continues to be romanticized centuries later.
Today, young people may not be reading Shakespeare in every school, but they are still absorbing similar messages about love though reality television, social media, online culture, music, and streaming shows.
Shows like Love Island, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and HBO's Euphoria, often portray emotional intensity, jealousy, impulsive, anxious, attachment, betrayal, obsession, and public validation as signs of "real love". Viewers watch couples quickly become emotionally fused, repeatedly break up and reunite, experience, explosive conflict, and describe emotional chaos as chemistry or passion.
The issue is not entertainment itself. The concern is how repeated exposure to these relationship dynamics can shape expectations about what love is supposed to feel like, especially for teens and young adults who are still developing emotionally, socially and neurologically.
When Intensity Gets Mistaken for Love
Young people are often taught, directly or indirectly, that love should feel all-consuming. If someone is jealous, obsessive, emotionally reactive, constantly texting, or are unable to let go, it may be interpreted as passion instead of a warning sign. In reality TV and social media culture, emotionally unavailable partners, "bad boys,” or “psycho girl” dynamics are often glamorized and rewarded with attention, followers, and fame. Emotional chaos becomes entertaining. Toxic behavior becomes normalized. The relationships creating the most drama often become the most talked about.
There is still a cultural double standard about how unhealthy relationship behavior is labeled. Young woman are often dismissed as "crazy,'' “psycho” or “too much,” while boys engaging in similar behaviors may be romanticized as "bad boys,”, misunderstood, rebellious, or passionate, minimizing the seriousness of unhealthy dynamics on both sides. The double standard can leave young women feeling ashamed, dismissed, or scared to express emotion or speak up about relationship concerns for fear of being labeled. Overtime, some women may begin questioning their own perceptions, minimizing unhealthy behaviors from partners, or internalizing the belief that emotional pain or instability is simply part of love.
Social media intensifies this further. Young people are constantly exposed to curated relationships, public breakups, cheating scandals, '“relationship goals,” and loyalty tests. Relationships can become performative and tied to identity, self-worth, and social status. As a result, some teens and young adults begin confusing emotional intensity with emotional safety.
How Toxic Relationships Develop in Teens & Young Adults
Many unhealthy relationships do not begin as obviously toxic. They often begin with infatuation and idealization. Someone may feel deeply understood, chosen, wanted, or emotionally connected for the first time. Mix in raging hormones and emotional immaturity, and the relationship feels exciting, consuming, and emotionally powerful.
Overtime however, intensity can shift into:
Jealousy
Emotional dependency
Isolation from friends or family
Emotional highs and lows (very happy or very moody all within a short period of time)
Constant reassurance seeking
Manipulation or control
Verbal, emotional, or physical aggression
Walking on eggshells
Losing a sense of self within the relationship
What once felt passionate can gradually become emotionally destabilizing & the young person may not even realize it.
Teens and young adults are especially vulnerable to these dynamics because they are still learning boundaries, emotional regulation, communication, and identity development. Major transitions such as college, moving away from home, first serious relationships, online dating, and entering the workforce, can all intensify feelings of loneliness, insecurity, or dependency. These are also times when parents are most likely out of the picture and unable to observe the relationship.
Contrary to this, some young adults avoid dating altogether due to social anxiety, fear of rejection, or past relational stress. Others become more comfortable staying in low pressure activities like gaming, scrolling on their phone, or online interaction rather than building in person relationships. This avoidance of relationships can make developing dating confidence and emotional vulnerability more difficult over time. Sometimes working with a therapist around dating anxiety, conversational skills, and building self esteem, can be helpful for this group of young people. For some, knowing that rejection is OK and that everyone gets rejected at some point in dating is another good skill to learn. “Just because I was not a match with that girl does not mean I won’t find a match, and it does not mean anything is wrong with me.” There are also some people who do not care to be in a romantic relationship with another. That is ok too as long as you have some people you can interact with real time in your life. Being with people face to face helps you learn more subtle social cues, social skills and the value in having someone in your life that you can trust and lean on when life gets hard.
When Independence Comes Too Fast
Another factor that can intensify unhealthy relationship dynamics is when young people become overly enmeshed too quickly. Moving in together at a very young age can accelerate emotional dependency before either person has developed a stable sense of self, healthy coping skills, or independence outside the relationship.
When a relationship becomes someone's primary source of emotional regulation, identity, and security, it can be much harder to recognize warning signs or leave unhealthy dynamics.
Limited parental oversight, or a completely hands-off parenting approaches can also contribute to vulnerability. While teens and young adults naturally seek independence, most still benefit from guidance, accountability, structure, and emotional support from trusted adults. Without reasonable boundaries, supervision, or open conversations about relationships, concerning behaviors may become normalized or go unnoticed for longer periods of time.
Documentaries like the Netflix show Crash, reflect how adult systems around young people sometimes struggle to provide effective containment. In the series Crash, viewers watch a volatile and emotionally intense relationship unfold between a 17 yr old girl and her older boyfriend with whom she had been allowed to live together, skip school, and openly use drugs that she showed on her social media (and her parents were aware of and fine with). She ends up driving her car at extremely high speeds and intentionally hitting a building, killing her boyfriend and his friend. During the trial, it was proven that she never tried to use her brake and that one or both of the men in the vehicle were trying to stop the car by putting it in neutral and grabbing at the steering wheel. It was also discovered that she threatened and mentally abused her boyfriend many times, and that he clearly did not know how to handle it. This story highlights how infatuation, poor boundaries, and limited parental involvement can become extremely dangerous when left unaddressed. There were many red flags, and there were many warning signs. None of the parents or peers who witnessed her dangerous behavior went to the authorities.
How Adults Can Help Young People Take a Second Look
Parents, teachers, counselors, therapist, coaches, and mentors all have opportunities to help teens and young adults think more critically about the relationship they are in, and the messages they absorb from media. Young people are often more receptive when adults stay calm, curious, and not non-judgmental instead of immediately criticizing the relationship. Helpful questions may include:
"How do you usually feel about yourself after spending time with them?”
"Do you feel emotionally safe being honest with this person?”
“Have you noticed yourself becoming more anxious, isolated, or unlike yourself?”
“What would you say to a friend in the same situation?”
“Does this relationship allow room for your friendships, goals, and individuality”?
“Are you confusing intensity with closeness?”
“Do you feel respected during conflict?”
Sometimes the goal is not for a young person to immediately leave a relationship, but to help them begin noticing patterns and reconnecting with their own judgment and sense of self. As a mother to an 18 year-old female, I find that telling her stories of when I was in unhealthy relationships but was able to get out of them, have really interested her. When parents can talk about their own mistakes as a young person, the teen or young adult often feels more open to being vulnerable themselves. Even if you have a son who doesn't like to talk much about his relationship, you can still check in about how he's feeling around his partner and what he likes and doesn't like about the relationship. This could be a starting point to a longer conversation at a different time. Even if it is not, your son knows that you care and that you want him to be in a healthy relationship and that you are open to talking about it with him.
