Why Is It So Easy For Us to Give Compassion To Others, But Not Ourselves?

Imagine a friend calls you after a rough day at work. She tells you she missed a big deadline, and she feels awful about it. She says, “I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot.” You probably wouldn’t agree with her. You would remind her that one mistake doesn’t erase everything she’s done well, and she is not a failure. 

We give our friends that kind of grace without thinking twice. We remember the whole person when someone we love makes a mistake. We remember their intelligence, good judgement, and what they have accomplished. 

We rarely give ourselves the same courtesy.

Rather than a simple acknowledgment of, “I made a mistake,” we think, “How could I have been so stupid?” or “Why do I always do this?”. We struggle to see one event for what it was, and start using it as evidence against ourselves.

Why do we do this?

Self-criticism often develops over time. For some, it may start as a way to stay motivated. You tell yourself that being tough will make you work harder, and not make the same mistake next time. For others, self-criticism grows from a fear of disappointing people. If you hold yourself to an impossible standard, you might feel more prepared for someone else to point out where you fell short. After years of using the same self talk, it’s hard to recognize how harsh it sounds.  

Listen to the way you talk to yourself during an ordinary day. You may hear thoughts such as:

“I can’t believe I did that.”

“Why am I still struggling with this?”

“Everyone else seems to have it together.”

“I’m being ridiculous.”

“I always make things harder.”

“I really messed that up.”

Now picture saying those things to a close friend. Would you speak to her the same way? If the answer is no, ask yourself why you think you deserve harsher treatment.

Self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook.

You still have to own your actions. If you hurt someone, apologize. If you made a bad decision, admit it. If you handled something poorly, think about what needs to change.  The big difference is how you speak to yourself while doing this. Being kind to yourself does not mean you are avoiding accountability.  

Compare these two statements: 

“I handled that poorly. I need to think about how I will handle it differently next time.”

“I am a terrible person. I always mess everything up.”

Those statements do not carry the same message. The first identifies a behavior and gives you somewhere to go. The second turns a singular mistake into an attack on your character, and shame rarely gives you useful information. 

Pay attention to the word “should.”

“I should be over this.”

“I should be more confident.”

“I should have known better.”

“I should be able to handle this.”

“I should not feel this way.”

The word “should” often adds another problem to an already difficult situation. Instead of describing what is happening, you compare yourself with an imaginary version of how you think you are supposed to be. Try replacing “should” with language based on what you are experiencing right now:

Instead of, “I should be able to handle everything on my own,” say, “I am having a difficult time, and asking for support is okay.”

Instead of, “I should not feel this way,” say, “This is how I feel right now. I can work through the feeling without judging myself for having it.”

Give yourself a physical reminder.

Self-compassion is not only about changing your thoughts. Physical reminders can also help you slow down when you feel overwhelmed. Place your hand over your heart or gently on your arm. Take a slow breath and remind yourself, “This is hard right now. I do not have to figure everything out at this moment. I am going to be kind to myself while I work through this.”

You can also create reminders in places you see every day. Put a note on your bathroom mirror, computer, or phone. Write something simple such as:

“Be gentle with yourself today.”

“You do not have to earn compassion.”

“It is okay to make a mistake. You can learn from it.”

“I can apologize and move forward.”

One reminder in the right place is enough to interrupt an automatic thought.

What would change if you were on your own side?

You might still hear your inner critic, and that’s ok. The goal is to recognize it and decide whether you want to believe it. You are a person who will make mistakes, experience difficult emotions, and have days when things do not go as planned. But none of those things require you to turn against yourself.

Try speaking to yourself as you would speak to someone you love. Hold yourself accountable when you make a mistake. Learn from what happened. Make repairs when needed. Then give yourself permission to move forward.

I want to end with a beautiful quote by Mari Oliver in her poem "Wild Geese”:

"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for 100 miles through the desert, repenting.”

This quote reminds us that you don’t need to punish yourself for being imperfect, and you do not need to make yourself suffer before you are allowed to forgive yourself. 

Start giving yourself some of the patience you give other people. You have been offering it to everyone else for years. You deserve it too.